The Art of Being Heard
Time and again, I've encountered women who long to express themselves more freely. Through countless coaching sessions and mentoring relationships, I've seen how the challenge of speaking up can act as a barrier, silencing their ideas and opinions.
In these interactions, there's a shared sentiment of yearning to voice their thoughts promptly and tactfully, particularly when dealing with hurtful comments. Yet, navigating the waters of open communication isn't always as straightforward as we'd hope.
So, what exactly lies at the heart of 'speaking up'? What's holding us back?
Is it (1) the feeling of being a bystander in a meeting, brimming with input but struggling to find the right moment or the right words to contribute?
Or is it (2) the conflict between wanting to voice disagreement and lacking the courage to challenge a viewpoint or advocate for an alternative?
Maybe it's (3) the apprehension around seeking clarification when expectations aren't clear, while grappling with the feeling that you're supposed to already have all the answers?
While these scenarios are by no means exhaustive, they offer a glimpse into the complexities of speaking up. Let's delve into these three circumstances and explore how we might begin to break down these barriers.
(1) Taking the Floor: The Art of Mindful Interruption
Picture this: you're in a meeting, thoughts buzzing, yet you find yourself unable to break into the flow of discussion. What is going on behind the scenes? From a biological standpoint, your amygdala – the part of your brain that deals with emotional responses, including fear – is likely sounding alarm bells. The fear of coming across as rude or intrusive holds you back.
But here's a counter-narrative: interruptions aren't necessarily disrespectful. They are often essential to productive conversations. Reframe your perspective – see your interruptions as contributing valuable insights. Phrases like "Can I share a thought here?" or "Could I add something?" can help make interruptions feel more comfortable and acceptable.
(2) Daring to Disagree: The Power of Diverse Views
You find yourself disagreeing with a point in a discussion, but hold back from expressing your viewpoint. What's happening here? Again, our brain's fear response plays a role. The fear of conflict or backlash for expressing a differing opinion holds us back.
Remember, disagreement is not inherently aggressive; it's a crucial part of diversity and innovation. You're offering a new perspective, not starting a fight. Begin by acknowledging the other person's view – it helps to build rapport and respect. Phrases like "I see your point, but have you thought about..." can make disagreement feel less like a confrontation and more like a contribution.
(3) Curiosity Unleashed: Embracing the Power of Questions
You're confused about an issue but hesitate to ask for clarification. The fear of appearing incompetent or ignorant can be crippling. Biologically, this is a self-preservation instinct – we don't want to reveal our vulnerabilities.
However, asking questions shows a willingness to learn and an engaged, curious mind. We need to challenge the false idea that questions equate to incompetence. Remember, we all have uncertainties. Embrace the power of phrases like "Could you explain this a bit more?" Asking for clarification is not a weakness; it's a strength that shows your commitment to understanding.
These different scenarios require nuanced approaches, but the underlying principle remains the same: shedding inhibitions and embracing confident communication. Be patient with yourself, as these skills take time to develop. And remember, every step towards speaking up is a stride towards personal growth.
The neuroscience behind it:
Behind the scenes of these communication challenges, there's an intricate play of neurobiology, social conditioning, and personal beliefs. Let's take a closer look from a neuroscience perspective.
Fear of interrupting: as you correctly identified, this fear is driven by our amygdala, an almond-shaped set of neurons located deep within the brain's temporal lobe. This structure is key to processing emotions and is particularly involved in the fear response. When we contemplate interruption, our amygdala can signal a potential threat - in this case, a perceived risk of social embarrassment or rejection. This signal triggers a fear response, resulting in hesitation or self-silencing.
Counteracting this requires a conscious effort to reframe our perspective, as you suggested. This shift engages our prefrontal cortex, the brain's executive control center, to override the fear response and encourage action. Over time, with consistent practice, this action can become less fearful and more automatic.
Fear of disagreement: this situation again triggers our amygdala's fear response. But it also involves another part of the brain: the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC). The ACC helps us perceive errors and resolve conflicts. In a disagreement, it might be signaling a potential 'error' in going against the flow of the conversation.
Positively expressing disagreement involves engaging our ventromedial prefrontal cortex (vmPFC), which is involved in empathetic understanding and perspective-taking. Using phrases that acknowledge the other's viewpoint can engage this brain region, tempering the fear response and promoting a more constructive dialogue.
Hesitation to ask questions: this too engages our self-preservation instincts, linked to the amygdala's fear response. It might also involve our dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (dlPFC), a region associated with executive functions and managing social impressions. We might fear appearing incompetent because it could negatively impact our social standing.
Asking questions, however, is a sign of active learning and engagement, which are linked to the dopamine system in our brains - a reward pathway. By reframing asking questions as a positive, curiosity-driven action, we can engage this reward system, creating a positive feedback loop that makes us more comfortable asking questions in the future.
These are simplified explanations of complex neurological processes, of course, but they provide a glimpse into the neuroscience behind these common communication challenges. They show that our reactions are deeply rooted in our biology, but also that we have the power to override these instinctive responses and express ourselves more effectively.
Practical exercise for this week
Put your phone down, log out of Netflix and take a few minutes for yourself.
Pick your challenge for this week:
The "Take the Floor" Challenge: this week, in every meeting you attend, make it a point to contribute at least once. It could be a comment, an opinion, or a question, but the aim is to practice finding the right moment to interject and getting comfortable doing so. Remember, your voice matters and your contributions are valuable.
The "Differ with Dignity" Challenge: this week, identify at least one instance where you disagree with a point being made. Practice expressing your differing viewpoint respectfully. This could be at work, within your friend circle, or even at home. The goal here is not to win an argument, but to gain comfort in expressing disagreement.
The "Inquisitive Mind" Challenge: this week, every time you're unsure about something, rather than making assumptions, ask a question. This could be at work, while learning something new, or even during everyday conversations. Recognise that asking questions is a sign of curiosity and engagement, not a weakness.
Remember, these challenges are not about 'succeeding' or 'failing'. They are about growth and stepping out of your comfort zone. Try these for a week and see how you feel. You might just find your voice becoming stronger and more confident each day.
