Getting free from other people’s opinion
"Unshackling Your Authentic Self: Navigating Beyond the Maze of Others' Opinions"
Not long ago, I found myself amidst a gathering of dear friends, all of us navigating the seas of our late thirties and early forties. Over dinner, a question was posed to the group: "If you could change one aspect about yourself, what would it be?"
As the answers rolled in, a recurring theme emerged - a desire to free oneself from the burden of others' opinions. This sentiment echoed among four of my friends and left a lingering impression. It seemed contrary to my belief that our thirties and forties should be a period of growing self-confidence and a dismissal of others' judgments.
However, this raises a compelling question: Is the concern about others' perceptions a sign of low self-esteem? Not necessarily.
It's true that self-confidence can influence our sensitivity to others' views, but it's not the only contributing factor. As inherently social beings, we often gauge our actions and behaviors based on the feedback of those around us. This instinctual mechanism aids us in maintaining social harmony and is crucial to our survival.
Moreover, our cultural background and upbringing often imprint a certain deference to societal norms and authorities, thus increasing our attention to others' perceptions. Lastly, our past experiences with praise or criticism can shape our response to others' opinions, leading us to seek external validation.
While enhancing self-confidence can help alleviate the concern of others' judgments, it is equally vital to address these interconnected factors to achieve true liberation from others' opinions.
To guide you on this journey of embracing your authentic self, consider these insights:
Firstly, remember that people generally don't fixate on you as much as you might believe. Aside from close friends and family, most people have their own lives and concerns to focus on. The comments they make about you are likely fleeting thoughts, quickly forgotten. It's crucial not to internalize these passing opinions and let them disrupt your peace of mind.
Next, if you find yourself worried about others' judgments in a professional setting, bear in mind that these individuals are transient characters in your life. They shouldn't deprive you of your authenticity or lead you to project a false image.
Staying true to your life vision and mission is paramount. Allowing others' opinions to distract you from your path is a detour you cannot afford. Constantly question yourself: Am I living my authentic life, or am I conforming to someone else's expectations?
Lastly, it's essential to remember that judgments or comments from others often mirror their own insecurities or desires. Their critique might reveal more about them than it does about you. So why let it bother you?
The neuroscience behind it
From a neuroscience perspective, paying attention to others' opinions and seeking their approval is rooted in our biology and evolution. As social creatures, humans have evolved to be a part of groups and communities, with survival often depending on social cohesion and acceptance.
Cognitive Bias: our brains also have a tendency toward certain cognitive biases, like the "spotlight effect," where we think people are paying more attention to us than they actually are, or "confirmation bias," where we notice and remember information that confirms our existing beliefs (including negative beliefs about ourselves).
Social Brain: the human brain has a series of neural networks dedicated to processing social information. These networks involve various regions, such as the medial prefrontal cortex, the temporoparietal junction, the anterior cingulate cortex, and the amygdala, among others. These regions work together to help us understand others' perspectives, predict their behavior, and evaluate their opinions of us.
Reward and Punishment Systems: our brain's reward system (which includes regions like the ventral striatum) is activated when we receive positive social feedback, such as approval or praise. Conversely, the brain's pain networks can be activated by negative social feedback, like rejection or criticism. This can trigger feelings similar to physical pain. Over time, to minimize pain and maximize pleasure, we may learn to care deeply about others' opinions.
Threat Response: when we perceive that someone disapproves of us, it can trigger our brain's threat response system (or fight/flight/freeze response), which involves regions like the amygdala. This response is a relic from our ancestors who needed it for physical survival, but today, it can activate even in response to social threats, like someone's negative opinion of us.
These are just a few examples of the brain processes and biases that might be at play when we pay too much attention to other people's opinions. It's important to remember that these responses are automatic and unconscious, but with awareness and practice, we can learn to manage them better.
Remember, you deserve to live your life authentically, unshackled from the weight of others' judgments.
Practical exercise for this week:
Put your phone down, log out of Netflix and take a few minutes for yourself.
The "Teflon Test."
Part 1: Visualise Your Shield
Every morning, as part of your routine, take a moment to close your eyes and visualize yourself surrounded by a protective shield or a Teflon coat. This coat is unique - it allows the positive and constructive things to permeate, but any negative judgments or criticisms simply slide off without affecting you. Really take a moment to envision this in your mind, taking note of how it makes you feel.
Part 2: Deflect the Judgment
Throughout the week, whenever you find yourself in a situation where you feel judged, recall your visualization from the morning. Imagine the judgment hitting your shield and sliding off without impact. It's essential not to suppress or deny your feelings in this process - simply acknowledge the judgment, and then picture it sliding off your protective layer, leaving you unaffected.
This exercise can help train your mind to emotionally detach from the negative judgments of others, enabling you to remain centered and authentic in your actions and responses. Remember, practice makes perfect - it might feel strange or forced at first, but with consistency, you will start to see changes in how you handle others' judgments.
